In the spring of 2019, after many attempts to sort through our differences, my adult daughter made the difficult choice to cut off communication. She tried to get her message across to me for a long time - years - without success. She repeatedly explained that she needed me to listen and know her better, accept her new and evolving boundaries, for me to recognize her as an emerging adult and for me to modify my communication style to be more respectful. She needed and expected change.
I wasn't listening and didn't recognize that her increasing desperation was driving her away – to eventual and complete estrangement. It took months after she went no-contact to cycle through my grief. I, like you, experienced disbelief, anger and hopelessness before I could begin to accept and face her decision. I had to own my contributions to her decision to cut ties. Even then, as I began to take responsibility for myself, the pain, confusion and hopelessness were sometimes overwhelming.
I recognized then, as I do now, that I was not entirely responsible for the fracturing of our relationship. But, in the years of silence, all I could do was work on myself – so I dedicated myself to learning, listening, reflecting, accepting, transforming and preparing.
Fast forward to today, and I'm happy to tell you that my daughter and I have reconnected. She found her voice and the inner strength to leave her "cult of one" partner, pack up her children in the dark of night, and return to our family. Over a year after returning, Brianna (she prefers Bri) often consults with me as I coach estranged parents and adult children who want to do their work - to understand their circumstances and embrace their new and emerging self-awareness.
I provide opportunities to heal by assisting people in understanding their communication styles, recognizing their contributions to their circumstances and learning effective conflict management skills. Together, my clients and I explore ways that they can refine their interpersonal behaviors and learn how to listen to and learn from their adult children. These are the strongest tools that support effective reconnection strategies.
My name is Dr. Janet Steinkamp, and the reason for this podcast is simple. During the long hours of isolation and doubt, I decided to use my years of teaching communication and interpersonal relationship skills, working with people as they navigated their way into independence and adulthood, to provide hope, help and healing to people who want to prepare to repair.
When you are ready to walk through the hot coals of self-discovery - to prepare for reconnection - I'm here to walk alongside you. The When Our Adult Children Walk Away resources, presentations, conversations, and strategies to become the parent or family member your adult child is asking – needs – you to be. Though I can't promise reconnection, I can and will help you prepare to reconnect when opportunities present themselves.
Now is the time to do your work – to reflect, learn and grow. And, by the way - reconnection does not mean our work to build a healthy, sustainable, mutually respectful relationship is done. It is only the start. In each post, I present and explore topics relevant to all who hope to reconnect with an estranged adult child or who are estranged from their parents. The material in each episode relates explicitly to the messy and exhausting fresh hell of pain, isolation, and loss.
And! Supports you as you climb out of the abyss of rejection and move toward your own acceptance and transformation.
When Our Adult Children Walk Away provides judgment-free resources. WOACWA is a safe place - to listen, reflect and explore our most personal lives.