Ladies and gentlemen, gather 'round your wireless sets for a most extraordinary bulletin of scientific marvels and societal perils! From the laboratories of Google comes a mechanical mind of unprecedented capability, while our astronomers have discovered sinister dark comets skulking through the cosmic void - but perhaps most alarming, dear listeners, is the tale of how artificial intelligence has wrought havoc upon the young ladies of Lancaster, where the dark side of progress has cast its shadow upon our very youth. I daresay, we find ourselves at the crossroads of technological wonder and moral responsibility, do we not?