Let me say it here, in writing: I am NOT opposed to marital therapy. I am quite concerned, however, on how marital therapy happens now. I am concerned about the effectiveness of marital therapy. And I am concerned for people who blindly seek out marital therapy, expecting it to help.If you don't know it, my training and background is as a marriage …

Many times, I watch couples caught in a spiral of accusations, each convinced of maliciousness on the part of their spouse. But I don't think that is actually it.In fact, many times, both people in front of me seem to be hurting, but not malicious.Which is why it seems so clear to me that maliciousness is not (usually) the issue.I have that "usuall…

Just to be clear, I am ALL FOR forgiveness. I have talked about on the Save The Marriage Podcast and on my Thriveology Podcast.And in a marriage, there are ample opportunities to practice forgiving. "Every-day forgiving" and big-time forgiving. In such an intimate relationship, you are going to step on toes, hurt each other's feelings, make bad dec…

I used to notice how often an engaged couple would become so focused on getting married -- the wedding -- that they had a hard time focusing on what the process of being married would be.The reason this concerned me is because I know what happens next. And unless they make a shift, their marriage will hit a disconnect event, a moment of hurt.At the…

There are lots of mistakes people make in their efforts to save their marriage. This particular mistake is what I consider to be the 3rd biggest. I hear it in the questions people send me every single week.In fact, I hear this mistake probably 3 or more times each day. And here is the sad thing: the mistake is made with all the best of intentions. …

Sometimes, just a hint or trick will do it. Maybe you want a trick or hint for an online game. Or even a trick for a better pancake. A hint for a better pushup.But hints and tricks won’t work for saving a marriage.Which is what I try to explain when I get the daily emails and voicemails, just asking for a hint or trick. Nothing wrong with asking. B…

I know it hurts. And I know that the pain, the anger, and the frustration can get you to act in ways that are not helpful.Lots of people are not sure about what TO do (which is why I created the Save The Marriage System). But they may be less clear on what they should STOP doing.In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I tell you about 5 v…

So, what DO you do when apathy strikes? It might be YOUR apathy. But more likely, it will be your spouse's apathy. (And it might be both of you!) It just seems there is no emotion, no care, no concern.What IS apathy?What does it mean?Why does it happen?And most importantly, what can you do about it?This week, we explore dealing with YOUR apathy, th…

Have you ever been sucked into a situation or argument, then realized your actions were not what you wanted?There is that split second, that pause, where you get to choose your response.Many people miss that split second, telling themselves, "I had no choice. I was just reacting."But deep down, we know that is not the case. We have a choice on how …

“It’s your choice,” I reassured her. It was a call I picked up between sessions. The person told me she had been following my System, but wasn’t sure if she could keep it up. She wasn’t sure if it mattered, so she was thinking about quitting. She wanted to know what I thought….I didn’t need to convince her either way. It really was her choice. Shou…

I wish this only happened every now and then.Imagine, for a second, that someone is working on saving their marriage. In this case, they have chosen to use my System. And they are making progress! (Yay!)Then... they decide to do something else... add something on... try to "spice up" their approach. And suddenly, their efforts fall apart.The other …

One more argument. One more struggle. They sat on my couch, facing each other down as opponents in some contest to... win... well, to be honest, I don't know what they were trying to win. Because they were not winning at marriage!I stopped them, looked at them and said, "You do know you are on the same team..." and they stared blankly at me, so I c…

Fears. They can certainly derail us humans!But what about relationship fears? Just those basic fears and insecurities that we all carry with us in relationships?Yep, we all have them. 2 basic fears. And those 2 fears? They pull against each other. One can trigger the other in couples. We all have both, but tend to have a tendency to one fear or the…

Games should be fun. But the games we are talking about today are NOT fun.These are patterns of interaction and communication.The design is to get a need met. But behind it is a dysfunction. It may be a lack of clarity in what someone wants or expects. It may be an unwillingness to say what a person wants or needs. It may be a false expectation of …

Is your marriage crisis marked by heated arguments or cold distance? Hot or cold?Are they really that different? Or is it all a part of the same process? And how does it affect your attempts to save your marriage?During back-to-back coaching sessions with two couples, I had a case of each. In the first, both were practically red-faced with anger, t…

Maybe your spouse has been saying, "This is ALL YOUR FAULT!" Or maybe it is just you... wondering... torturing yourself... about whether this marriage crisis is your fault. Are you the problem?Let me reassure you that you are not the first person to wonder that. People search about that on my blog. People write me to ask that same question. Many pe…

Miranda asked me, “What do I do? My spouse is hopeless that we can save our marriage. I’m losing hope, too."A while back, I did a training for members of my VIP Program, noting three barriers in the way of a spouse working on the marriage… along with how to respond. One of those barriers is hopelessness.But if a spouse is hopeless… how can you hold…

When life is hard, Holidays can feel heavy. When there is a marriage crisis, it can be tough to muster the energy to even move forward — especially when all the commercials and movies push the “merry and bright” of a mythic holiday.And here we are, on the cusp of the Holiday season! It cuts across nations and beliefs. The season is here.A client re…

"In our very first session, our therapist told me that we were divorcing and I need to accept it," Claire wrote.I invited people to submit questions. And Claire did. (You can, too, by EMAILING HERE.)Here is what happened: Claire wanted to save her marriage. Her husband thought it was over. Claire convinced him to go to therapy. But then, near the e…

I know. It's tempting. Your marriage is having troubles and you want to talk about it. Maybe your friends would be good to tell. Or maybe your family can listen. Or perhaps you should contact your in-laws to "talk some sense" into your spouse.Don't. Stop. Think again before you share.Those words that feel so good right now may come back to haunt yo…

You want to save your marriage.Right?That is why you are here, right? So, what might get in your way? How might you fail in your efforts?Let me be clear: in this podcast episode, I discuss 3 ways YOU may fail at your efforts. This isn't about why your efforts will fail, because of a spouse... or family... or an affair... or anything outside of, wel…

I had nearly back-to-back discussions with people about coaching and therapy. One wanted to know if I could see them and their spouse. The other wanted to know if they could go to marital therapy alone.You may already know that I have concerns with marital therapy (yes, I am trained as a therapist). But there are times when marital therapy (given t…

Is your marriage infected by the "zombie virus?" Do you find your relationship to be the "walking dead?" Are emotions lost and connections missing? Do you and your spouse respond to each other with "zombie grunts?"The infection can be stopped. You can fight the infection and heal the relationship.Don't allow the big 4 symptoms of a zombie infection…

It can be an emotional storm in the middle of a marriage crisis. Sometimes, it seems that every little thing blows up into big things... almost without control.A marriage crisis is one of the bigger life stressors. If you are dealing with that, you are already emotionally "tapped out." Which means it might not take much for you to boil over...And u…

She started the conversation by telling how she was confused… her spouse had confused her. He said he didn’t feel safe enough to share his emotions, didn’t feel safe enough to move back into their bedroom, didn’t feel safe enough to talk through their issues. She told me, “I have never hurt him or threatened to hurt him. How can he feel unsafe?"Saf…

When a marriage crisis hits, people kick into gear! They dig in and work on their relationship. Many times, they start to see results. Things are turning for the better. The relationship is warming. Things aren't quite so hostile.But then....They get derailed. Thrown off-course. Lost in the crisis.Not surprisingly, any gains made are quickly lost. …

Is it actually possible for people to change?? For you to change?? For your marriage to change?That question has been asked for millenia. It is a question of theology, philosophy, and psychology.And yet, sometimes, it seems like there is no real answer.As a student of all three arenas, and as a therapist/coach, I have thought long and hard about th…

What do you do if your spouse decides they need to work on themselves... and then they may (or may not) be willing to work on the marriage? What do you do if your spouse just refuses to work on your marriage?That is the question of the week, asked by Sam. He said his wife wants to better herself. Then, maybe she would address the marriage.As part o…

Connection is so important for a marriage. When connection is cut off, the relationship falters. When a marriage is disconnected, the marriage is at risk.But many people think they are connecting... and they are actually crowding.Crowding, in a struggling marriage, is as toxic as disconnecting.Does it feel like a tightrope? Well, it really isn't.As…

Many times, people contact me to tell me that their marriage is... well... continuing to spiral down, in spite of their efforts.Over the years, I have noted some "turning points," when things often start turning around. And I want to share 3 of these turning points with you.Here is the good news: all 3 turning points I note are 100% within your con…

You started working on saving your marriage. Good for you!And then, you hit a bump. You get knocked down. Maybe you discovered an affair, physical or emotional. Maybe your spouse is irritable and upset. Maybe it is anger and resentment, yours or your spouse’s.And it knocks you down.Enough that you think it is over. That you are at the end.But are y…

Several listeners asked why a spouse only remembers the negative, or only dwells on the negative. Why don't they remember the good times or see the good things?Over the years, I have noticed this as a recurring and common issue in your efforts to save your marriage. A spouse's thoughts just stay on the negative. Maybe thinking about what is going o…

How do you know if it is too late to save your marriage??That happens to be one of the most common questions I get from people... sometimes even at the beginning of a coaching sessions. But also by email and on conference calls.I get it. We all want to know what the future holds. Do you put forth the effort for a lost cause? Do you put your heart o…

My approach is the 3C approach to saving your marriage. The 3C's are C-onnect, C-hange, and C-reate. Connect with your spouse. Change yourself. Create a new path.The first two may be more obvious... but still missed by many people. Relationships are grown by connection, and harmed by a lack of connection. We grow personally, when we change... and s…

It is such a common demand from a spouse during a marital crisis: “I need space! You just need to give me space!”Yet here I am, telling you to connect with your spouse, to rebuild the broken connection that led to the crisis.Are they opposites?One listener to the Save The Marriage Podcast was wondering. Which means that others might be wondering th…

In my Save The Marriage System Quick-Start Guide, I show the 8 distinct stages of a marriage crisis. But those are the stages of the crisis. There are also stages to your awareness of the crisis.This is the point where you are aware of the crisis, the level of the crisis, and the potential threat of the crisis. And just to let you know: you are NOT…

Most people don’t come right out and say it, but they have a sneaking suspicion that they are the victim in their marital situation. They believe they have been done wrong… more wrong than they have done.Problem is, their spouse is believing the same thing.Over and over, I watched as people seemed to make a mad race to be the bigger victim, each on…

Let me be the first to say, saving your marriage can be hard on you emotionally!Well, I don't really need to tell you, do I? YOU are living it!One of the tough things, if you are going it alone (at the moment) is the fact that you want to feel loved, too. You are likely trying to make sure your spouse feels love... feels love. You are likely workin…

For many couples in a troubled marriage, their first stop is marital therapy. In fact, for many, it is almost an instinctive reaction. Marriage problem? Head for therapy.How do I know?Because I hear from them... when therapy fails. Which is, unfortunately, fairly often.Why?In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I give you a little "insid…

Surely you can convince your spouse to work on your marriage… right? Yes, your marriage is in crisis. But if you say the right thing… or say it in the right way… or convince, beg, cajole, argue, and somehow shift their thinking, then you can save your marriage. Right?Not so fast.Usually, all of the above leads to more resistance. Not less. It does …

On a regular basis (meaning, several times each week), I have a discussion with a client that ends in the client saying, "I can't...." Yes, they finish the sentence in many ways. But the start of the sentence is my focus: "I can't."I have a colleague that responds to clients who say, "I can't," with "You can." That doesn't quite get there, though. …

Can one person save a marriage, even if your spouse doesn’t want it?I do say that my Save The Marriage System can save your marriage, even if only you want it.But what can you really do, if your spouse is checked out and not sure they want to stay married?I answer another listener question in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast. Is it rea…

This is a SPECIAL EDITION of the Save The Marriage Podcast!Why? Because we are on the cusp of an elevated threat to marriages... and it might include your's.There are 3 periods in the year that see a spike in divorce filings and inquiries. We are facing one right now: the beginning of summer. In the States, that is marked by Memorial Day (coming up…

In my Save The Marriage System Quick-Start Guide, I show the 8 distinct stages of a marriage crisis. But those are the stages of the crisis. There are also stages to your awareness of the crisis.This is the point where you are aware of the crisis, the level of the crisis, and the potential threat of the crisis. And just to let you know: you are NOT…

There is a better than 80% chance that, at this moment, you are a Chaser. In doing a little informal research, I noticed that about 90% of the people who read my articles, listen to my podcast, read my b0oks, or use my System, are chasing right now.Why? Because right now, their spouse (and likely, your spouse) is being a Spacer. The Chaser/Spacer p…

Many people tell me of their desperation to find intimacy -- and their sadness over not having it in their marriage.But is it possible to find that intimacy? Is there a path to intimacy in your marriage??There are choices people make... that often lead them away from intimacy -- not toward it! This isn't on purpose. They just don't know better.The …

You hit the Pause Button on your marriage. I get it. You didn't realize you were doing it, and didn't know it was a problem. You just thought you were dealing with life -- the kids, a career, activities... life.But while you didn't know it was a problem, it is. In fact, it is the big reason that marriages get into trouble. Yes, there are lots of sy…

Yes, this is the #1 thing people request in therapy. And no, fixing it will not fix your marriage.This is part rant, part warning, and part explanation. Because, communication skills has somehow become a central tenet of hurting marriages. So, therapists teach them, clients request them, and marriages just don't get better.When I was in training, t…

For awhile, I have been answering listener-submitted questions, and continue to do so in this episode (if YOU want to ask a question, send it to [email protected]).This week, I respond to a couple of questions about a spouse's indifference and/or resistance to attempts at connection.It can be frustrating when you so desperately want to re…

Where could your efforts fail?Those are the failpoints. They can trip you up and make you think nothing will work in your efforts.But let me be clear. They are potential failpoints. They are not inevitable.Failpoints, in engineering, is caused by stress on a particular point. In machines, a particular piece is stressed long enough that it finally g…