“Takes a good eight minutes to burn a crumpet, I reckon” The panel of peril take an ill-advised detour to a town that they have been told to never visit, a town so run-down and dilapidated that man dare not tread: Rhyl. Still, they must go, for they have a film screening to catch: Silent Hill (Christophe Gans, 2006). Rose (Radha Mitchell), Christop…

“Just don't go anywhere, that's the best thing” The panel of peril walk home because, save for the off chance of a piano falling from a great height onto your head, it is statistically the safest form of travel. That fact is born out by this week’s film, Duel (Steven Spielberg, 1971). David Mann (Dennis Weaver) is a middle-aged salesman driving acr…

“Let’s not be centaur-mental about this” The panel of peril lay down their trusty jackhammers after a hard day’s graft at the old concrete factory. They’ll have a quick shower and pop this week’s film into their frontal cortex… it’s Total Recall (Paul Verhoeven, 1990). Doug Quaid (Arnold Schwarzenegger) is an ordinary Earth-bound schmo-hawk who dre…

“I'll be downstairs, asleep, without my head on” The panel of peril tie their hair in a couple of lovely plaits and don some fetching red slip-ons to watch this week’s film Return To Oz (Walter Murch, 1985). Dorothy (Fairuza Balk) is plagued by memories of the wonderful land of Oz, and as such is completely unable to sleep. Shipped off to a suspici…

“When I say Hollywood, I mean it in the loosest possible terms” The panel of peril go backpacking through the harsh terrain of the North Wales, where nothing of any real consequence happens to them. Just as well, as they have a filmic date to get to as they have matched with Wolf Creek 2 (Greg McLean, 2013). The Australian Outback too attracts many…

“Why would you pre-make pancake batter?” The panel of peril take a large glug from a strong bottle of something hidden within a brown bag as they trudge downtown. They’re on their way home to watch this week’s film, Little Shop Of Horrors (Frank Oz, 1986). Seymour (Rick Moranis) and Audrey (Ellen Greene) are two unlucky-in-love florists assistants …

“Yippie ki yay, mother pucker” The panel of peril successfully extinguish a housefire, with absolutely NO casualties, thereby proving themselves better than the lead of this week’s film. That star is Jean Claude Van Damme, that film is Sudden Death (Peter Hyams, 1995), and our guest at this time is the Editor of Empire Magazine and author of The La…

“No one smells what space smells like when you scream… in space” A theremin plays that one thing that it can do in the background as the panel of peril walk through a small graveyard filled with (five or six) wobbly tombstones. They are searching for the screening room for this week’s film Plan 9 From Outer Space (Ed Wood, 1957). In what some have …

“I think they deserved to die, if that’s what killed ‘em” The panel of peril fall a small distance from a rickety bridge into a shallow river and arrive home soaking wet! They are sopping wet, but otherwise fine – thus their viewing of Beetlejuice (Tim Burton, 1988) shall commence as planned! When the Deetz family (Catherine O’Hara, Winona Ryder) m…

“Stay in your lane, Heston” The panel of peril feed their cats (cat food). They next feed their dogs. Finally… finally… they are ready to watch this week’s film Cats & Dogs (Lawrence Guterman, 2001). They are joined by Harley Mumford from Fandomentals podcast, who has also just fed his dog. A look at the top-secret, high-tech espionage war going on…

“He's a digital Deliveroo driver” The Panel of Peril are well used to jacking a load of information into the old grey matter. Therefore, this week’s task shall pose them no problem – yes, it’s Johnny Mnemonic (Robert Longo, 1995). The year 2021: the NAS epidemic sweeps the world, and our Johnny (Keanu Reeves) is a sought-after data courier, smuggli…

“At least one of them is a luge chase, so wind your neck in” The Panel of Peril resign their posts in disgust at being told they aren’t allowed to do whatever the heck they please. Fortunately, their secretary has swapped out their resignation letter for a letter requesting time off to watch many, many films. They shall begin with this week’s film,…

“Not the worst thing Christopher Cain has produced” The Panel of Peril are rootin’. They’re also prone to a little bit of tootin’. Put ‘em together, and we got ourselves a rootin’ tootin’ good time as we watch this week’s film, Young Guns (Christopher Cain, 1988). Loosely based on the adventures of Billy The Kid (Emilio Estevez) - and featuring fel…

“This was supposed to be our prestige episode” The panel of peril go to the bathroom and lock themselves in a stall and check how sweaty their pits are. Very. They’re very, very sweaty. No wonder, as they face a goliath in this week’s film: Michael Clayton (Tony Gilroy, 2007). Michael (George Clooney) is a self-described janitor who cleans up messe…

“The one thing he needed to do to not f__k it up was not be a nonce” The panel of peril strap on some rollerblades and take to the skies! They go about a bit, you knowwww, before tiring of that nonsense and having a nice sit to watch this week’s film Jupiter Ascending (The Wachowskis, 2015). They are joined by video essayist Delaney Jordan! Jupiter…

“I’ll be the Danny Ocean of stealing from children” The panel of peril don their blazer, matching shorts, and matching caps and pretend to be children whilst watching this week’s film Clifford (Paul Flaherty, 1994). They are joined by their new friend: Seth Vargas from Movie Friends Podcast! Clifford (Martin Short) is precocious little so and so. H…

“So many of my plans have been undone by Antonio Banderas” The panel of peril stand in the corner of the room, in the shadows, waiting for a chance to strike at their prey. They’re not home. They’ve gone on holiday for three weeks. Damn. Instead, they decide to watch this week’s film The Batman (Matt Reeves, 2022). The Batman (Robert Pattinson) is,…

“Live fast, die young, leave a terrible-looking Smurf-corpse” The panel of peril pull up at their local Netto, shove as much tinned goods, AKs, ammo, and Bolinger into their shopping trolley/wheelbarrow as they can, before holing up to watch this week’s film Dawn Of The Dead (George A. Romero, 1978). The (zombie) apocalypse is here! Ken Foree, Davi…

“Don’t slate broccoli” The panel of peril stub out their cigarette, cigar, and pipe under the heel of their cowboy boot and head into a convenience store that is showing this week’s film, Loaded Weapon 1 (Gene Quintano, 1993), for some reason. Detectives Colt (Emilio Estevez) and Luger (Samuel L Jackson) are the prototypical chalk + cheese = dynami…

“De Palma knows, the old saying goes” Our name is Possible, Mission: Impossible, license to watch the film Mission: Impossible directed by cinematic genius Brian De Palma (1996). And that my friends is our impossible mission (impossible). And we did it. An elite IMF team led by Jim Phelps (Jon Voight) has come a serious cropper trying to secure a n…

“If you’ve got a better way to do it, I’d like to hear it” The panel of peril are dancing down the street stark naked, with only conveniently placed every-day items covering their ghoulies and that. They got the idea, and carefully choreographed it, from this week’s film Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery (Jay Roach, 1997). This week, they…

“Like an alien Kinder Egg” The panel of peril are playing chess in the park with their father and losing badly, very sad. They are interrupted by an enormous screen descending from the heavens covering the city that they are currently in in its entirety. Fortunately, the giant screen is showing this week’s film Independence Day (Roland Emmerich, 19…

“Ya been cream pied” The panel of peril are out shooting some hoops, only stopping to berate their teammates for their lack of reflexes and general playing skill. Giving up they retire to the indoor communal area to watch this week’s film One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest (Milos Forman, 1975). McMurphy (Jack Nicholson) is a ne’er-do-well with a cunni…

“Tia Carrera’s career was ruined by Tia Maria” Sweaty-browed and cramped of hand, the Panel of Peril draw furiously in real-time each and every frame of this week’s film Batman: Mask of the Phantasm (Bruce Timm and Eric Radomski, 1993). Soon they shall break for a feast of marshmallows; they have earned it. Bruce Wayne (Kevin Conroy) has lived with…

“She had the longest neck in the history of actors” The Peril of Peril arrive in Los Angeles, bright eyed and bushy-tailed. Everyone loves them because they’re brilliant, and they make fast friends with an amnesiac who tells them to watch this week’s film Mulholland Drive (David Lynch, 2001). A Cowboy watches them as they watch the film. Betty (Nao…

“Talladega Nights gets a lot better after you've seen Rise of Skywalker, that's for sure” The Panel of Peril run and gun all your favourite film and video games characters in one fluid motion, before removing their VR headset in order to watch this week’s film. That film is Ready Player One (Steven Spielberg, 2018), and they are joined by Kevin and…

“It’s like a meet-cute for two people who already met some time ago” The Panel of Peril go to the travel agents to book themselves a lovely holiday. Their conditions for travel are thus: nice weather, entertainment provided by British reggae band, and strictly no terrorists. While the agent searches for the ideal trip, they watch this week’s film S…

“Mr. Bond, you appear with the tedious inevitability of an unloved season” The Panel of Peril saunter through a small mining town in their fancy BMW, before being inexplicably arrested for not stopping at an intersection. Swiftly tried and convicted, they are sentenced to watch this week’s movie Nothing But Trouble (Dan Aykroyd, 1991). They are joi…

“Is he just horny?” The Panel of Peril climb a big ol’ mountain to claim a mythical prize to aid them in their epic quest. That prize is a DVD of this week’s film; that quest is to watch that DVD, which is this week’s film Krull (Peter Yates, 1983). Upon climbing back down the mountain, they are met well by this week’s guest panel member, Matt Spec…

“Surprise! Butcher’s hook up your nostril” The Panel of Peril start creepily speaking Latin, wield small, sharp weapons at one another, but thankfully stop short of gouging their own eyes out. They’ll be needing those to watch this week’s film Event Horizon (Paul WS Anderson, 1997). The crew of the Lewis & Clark are your typical blue-collar bunch. …

“That's what you get for inviting audience participation” The Panel of Peril slip out of their wet clothes and into a dry martini, before taking a pew to watch this week’s film The Man With The Golden Gun (Guy Hamilton, 1974). Has James Bond (Roger Moore) met his match in the charming, villainous and charmingly villainous Francisco Scaramanga (Chri…

“You simply must introduce me to that pile of rats” The panel of peril down a big glass of red wine and eat a plate of delicious, steamed broccoli and roasted garlic before taking in this week’s film Bram Stoker’s Dracula (Francis Ford Coppola, 1992). Count Dracula (Gary Oldman) is an elderly gent rattling around in his large home, pining after his…

“A haiku?” Fighting their way past a load of goons, down a narrow corridor, the panel of peril struggle to make any headway. Finally finishing off the last of the lads (no laughing at the back there!), they slump in their chair exhausted and watch this week’s film Oldboy (Park Chan-wook, 2003). Oh Dae-su (Choi Min-sik) is a bit of a d-bag. A drunke…

“Here lies Will Carling, the rugby guy who sh@gg3d Diana” The panel of peril try to wrangle their pigs into the pigpen but repeatedly fall over and get all muddy. They shower off at the water hole and decide to watch a film instead: Unforgiven (Clint Eastwood, 1992). 1880: Ex-outlaw Bill Munny (Eastwood) was a bad, bad man before settling down and …

“He's not rump; he's tripe” The panel of peril finish inspecting the last of the cow’s udders on the farm they’re working on and head home to watch this week’s film Napoleon Dynamite (Jared Hess, 2004). Napoleon (Jon Heder) is a typical teen: he lives with his Grandma (Sandy Martin), brother Kip (Aaron Ruell), and an alpaca named Tina. He enjoys do…

“Can we all agree now that it makes more sense than Kurgan being Ric Flair in a carpark'” The panel of peril stand about a bit as a battle rages around them; no one will fight them for some reason. As they are clearly too ‘ard for the other combatants, they head home to watch this week’s film Highlander (Russell Mulcahy, 1986). Connor Macleod (Chri…

“Sh!t happens, wocka wocka!” The panel of peril take a chunk a meat from the salt barrel, a tot of rum from the rum barrel, and a film from the DVD barrel. That film is Muppet Treasure Island (Brian Henson, 1996), and we settle in to watch with this week’s special guest Nemonie Craven! Jim Hawkins (Kevin Bishop) has in his possession a certain map.…

“It’s a range war – you’re kicking that chimp to death” The panel of peril have just missed their bus and are stranded in the middle of a lonely, windy mountain range. Fortunately, there’s a creepy abandoned house nearby which they settle into to watch this week’s film Phenomena (Dario Argento, 1985). Jennifer (Jennifer Connelly) is an American gir…

“You’re like a podcasting Nostradamus” The panel of peril are absolutely battering each other – limbs, teeth and shoes are flying hither and thither. They stop and think ‘actually this is awfully silly of us, let’s watch a film instead.’ And they do; this week’s treat The Night Comes For Us (Timo Tjahjanto, 2018). Ito (Joe Taslim) is a member of th…

“I know you think of yourself as a Mark Wahlberg-type character” The panel of peril wipe the unsightly chunk of banana off the side of their mouth and slip into something more comfortable to watch this week’s film The Naked Gun (David Zucker, 1988). Police Squad’s finest, Lt. Frank Drebin (Leslie Nielsen), is tasked with investigating an attack on …

“Where are The Beverly Hillbillies during this?” The panel of peril just about make it home, despite the banana up their tailpipe (fnar, fnar), in their battered old automobile. Just in time to check out this week’s film Beverly Hills Cop (Martin Brest, 1984). Detroit cop Axel Foley (Eddie Murphy) is a streetwise, proverbial good cop who knows how …

“You can only have one muppet in it – that’s a dealbreaker” The panel of peril put away their copy of Gun Owners Weekly, clean up, and settle down in the soft neon light of their oversized crucifix to watch this week’s film Se7en (David Fincher, 1995). Detectives Somerset (Morgan Freeman) and Mills (Brad Pitt) are the original chalk and cheese: one…

“I know you're being light-hearted, but baguettes are way stronger than a sausage roll” ‘Are you not entertained!’ scream the panel of peril at their slack-jawed neighbours, wearing just a comical pair of white y-fronts. They are entertained; very much so. With that, they pick up their bottle of milk and head inside to watch this week’s film Gladia…

“Magic Michael is my father. You can call me Magic Mike” The panel of peril roll 2 D20s, snake eyes. They roll again: snake eyes. They roll for a third time – snake eyes. The hell with this, they collectively groan and instead switch on this week’s film Dungeons & Dragons: Honor Among Thieves (Jonathan Goldstein and John Francis Daley, 2023). A mer…

“A heavy rain of chow mein” Does busting, as the old saying goes, make you feel good? The panel of peril are here to answer this question and much more besides as they take on this week’s film, Ghostbusters (Ivan Reitman, 1984). Peter (Bill Murray), Ray (Dan Aykroyd) and Egon (Harold Ramis) are three down on their luck university researchers of the…

“It’s the Caesar’s Palace of that particular planet” The panel of peril knit themselves a multi-coloured scarf, put on the scarf and watch this week’s film, Dr. Who And The Daleks (Gordon Flemyng, 1965), whilst being uncomfortably hot in the scarf. Eccentric inventor Dr. Who (Peter Cushing) has just invented a contabulous fabtraption named TARDIS. …

“If it makes sense like I think it makes sense in my head, then we’re onto a winner” The panel of peril place their bets on their praying mantis of choice, watch it get roundly battered by its mantis opponent, and then stick on this week’s film Enter The Dragon (Robert Clouse, 1973). Lee (Bruce Lee) is a highly proficient martial artist and discipl…

“Why don't you poke your little noodle through 'em then?” The panel of peril take a glug from a spectacularly large cup of coffee, admire an oversized map of Atlantic City, and focus their gigantic heads on a screen showing this week’s film So I Married An Axe Murderer (Thomas Schlamme, 1993). Charlie (Mike Myers) is a footloose/fancy-free young ch…

“Greggs sausage roll, that's the British donut isn't it” Venturing up into the attic to retrieve some Christmas decorations, the panel of peril get quite the fright: a television that is showing this week’s film Black Christmas (Bob Clark, 1974). In an unnamed sorority house, Jess (Olivia Hussey), Barb (Margot Kidder), Mrs. Mac (Marian Waldman) et …

“$60 million on quiche?!” The panel of peril complete their naked tai chi session, have a quick wash around the key areas, and watch this week’s film Die Hard 2 (Renny Harlin, 1990). How can the same stuff happen to the same panel two years in a row? John McClane (Bruce Willis) just wants a quiet Christmas with his wife Holly (Bonnie Bedelia), but …